Ice Is Cold
by NeverSeekDawn
Summary: A collection of completely random one shots featuring the characters of Twilight. Thing like, Bella learning that ice is cold, Peter Zorse- alumpf, and Jasper likes soap operas!
1. Ice is Cold

**AN: This is set right before Bella's graduation party in Eclipse.**

**Ice is cold:**

**Bella POV:**

Emmett and I were hanging around the grocery store. Alice was making us buy some Ice for _our _graduation party. Edward was out hunting, Alice was putting up decorations, Esme was baking, Carlisle working, and Rosalie just _LOVED_ hanging out with me. So Emmett was the only one left. I looked down at the list Alice made-

_Ice  
ice cream  
popsicles_

"Emmett," I looked up at him. "Why does everything on this list have to do with ice?"He rolled his eyes.

"Every party has ice cream, ice, and popsicles." He looked at me like it was completely obvious.

I smacked the heel of my hand to my forehead. "Of course. How could I forget?" I rolled my eyes. Emmett nodded his head in sympathy that I didn't quite understand. Then he took off towards the freezer section.

"WEEEEEEEEE!!!!" He squealed as he ran with his arms flying behind him. On coming shoppers turned back in confusement. I sighed, _that kid_.

When I finally made it over to him, he was standing board straight; eyes looking forward. His head slowly rolled down towards me.

"Why _hello_ little child," he spoke in a creepy voice. I should have never let him watch that Harry potter Puppet Pals Youtube video.

"Why hello my extremely old vampire," I replied. His nose wrinkled in distaste, he then turned around.

"So Bella, you know how humans tongues get stuck on poles in the winter?"

"Yes…" I spoke slowly.

"Well how come they don't get stuck on popsicles?" He held up a package of the frozen Scooby Doo treats.

"I don't know, Emmett. Sometimes your lips get stuck, but I don't think a popsicle is cold enough for your tongue to stay there."

"I wonder if _I'm_ cold enough…" He eyed my speculatively. I realized what he was saying.

I held up my hand in front of him, my jaw set. "Emmett. I will _not_ lick you."

"Okay, okay," he held up his hands in defense. " It wasn't even a suggestion." I looked at him in disbelief. "Alright, maybe it was in my mind for just a second. But it's gone now. I get it. You won't lick me."

An old woman who was passing us looked up behind her oversized glasses, completely abandoning her cart full of cat food.

"Young man," she scolded. "You leave that poor dear alone. You are not her boss." She threw a glare at Emmett. "Back in the day…" She started rambling on about how polite men were when she was young, throwing in a comment about cats every now and then.

I looked at Emmett. He shrugged and turned away. I hurried to catch up with him. He made his way over towards a self check out with me trailing behind.

I looked over his shoulder as he hunched over the touch screen and pushed the button for Spanish.

"That lady was nuts," he spoke. He couldn't get the scanner to identify the bag of ice. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried again. And again. His patience was running short today.

"Damn self checkout!!" He screamed at the machine. " You gotta be all up in my business asking me if I want Spanish or English, then when I want to know how much this is, you _deny_ me?!? What kind of un justice world is this?"

Then I jumped in surprise as he kicked it. The self check out screen immediately turned blank. I looked around. Scanning around, people had gathered around and stared at Emmett's tantrum.

"Not being very inconspicuous." I hissed. Emmett looked around then walked over to the self checkout manager. She cowered.

"Damn machine. Never gonna come here again, this service is horrible…" He muttered under his breath. He gave the lady 1000 dollars and steered me towards his jeep. He walked around towards the driver's seat door and slammed the door while pulling out of the parking space.

The groceries were on my lap and I spoke up.

"Wow, this ice is cold," I muttered without thinking about it.

Emmett's booming laughter echoed around the car as we drove towards home.

**An: Just wanted to post a new story that's really just a collection of one shots. I'll update as soon as I have 2 reviews ******** thank you!! Now review. Please. I'll update faster… **

**Em **


	2. Jasper Has Issues

AN: Even though I only have one review right now, I'm going to update anyways. Just cause I'm bored.

**Jasper Has Some Serious Issues**

**Bella POV:**

We were all lounging around the Cullen household. It's summer and extremely sunny. There isn't much we could do. Well, I could. But it's no fun without anybody else. Edward and I were lounging on the couch and Alice was on one of the overstuffed chairs. Rosalie was off doing who knows what, Emmett was sprawled out on the loveseat so bored he could be sleeping. Jasper was flipping through channels from his position on the other couch. Suddenly, Edward and Alice simultaneously laughed. We stared at them blankly.

Alice just shook her head. Jasper was still flipping through channels, so fast I didn't even know what he was skipping. He paused for a moment when Emmett said stop. I looked at the screen, Disney Channel's Hannah Montana. Jasper looked thoughtful.

"Nahhh…" he shook his head. Alice and I giggled while he resumed surfing channels.

**1 HOUR LATER**

My mind was slowly drifting away when, "AHA!!" Jaspers cry of joy startled me and I rolled off Edward and onto the plush Cullen carpet. Alice and Emmett burst out laughing while Edward helped me up.

"Sorry, Bella," Jasper mumbled. I sat back down on the couch and looked at the tv.

'_¡No, Carlos, no me deja!'_**(No, Carlos, do not leave me!)**I was confused. This looked like a soap opera… in Spanish. Why was Jasper watching this? I mean… I could understand Spanish pretty well. But Jasper… he could speak Spanish?

"Yes, love. Jasper can speak Spanish." Edward replied to my thoughts… REPLIED TO MY THOUGHTS?!!? How the hell can this happen?!?!

"Can you still hear me?" I asked. Jasper shushed me, completely entranced by the show.

"Can you still hear me?" I repeated in a whisper.

"I don't know…" he trailed off in wonder. "Nope. The beautiful voice is gone." Edward looked dejected.

'_¡Pero Isabel es la que está para mí!' _**(But Isabel is the one for me! ) **Carlos spoke dramatically. Suddenly, it cut to a commercial break.

'We'll be right back with _La demostración del drama." _**(The Drama Show) **How ironic. _La demostración del drama. _

"Why are you talking about this show?" Edward asked.

"I never said anything!!" I protested. Hmmm… _¿puede usted ahora oírme? _**(Can you hear me now?)**

"Why, yes I can." Edward replied. I gasped.

Alice looked between us, confused. Suddenly, Jasper decided to speak up.

"No!! Maria!! Don't go back to Carlos!! Fernando is the one you really love!! Carlos is a jackass that needs to realize that he can't have everything!! He only needs one girl to keep him happy!! Go to Fernando!! He realizes those things!!!" Jasper flung himself towards the flat screen. He was breathing heavily, almost to the point of hyperventilating, and his face was inches from Maria's.

Maria was looking between Carlos and Fernando, who were on either side of her, while Isabel stood in the corner. She spoke.

_Lo siento, Fernando. Adios__**. **_**(I'm sorry, Fernando. ****Goodbye.) **

"Nooooo!!!!" Jasper wailed. If he could, he would be crying right now. Alice took him by his collar as he continued dry- sobbing. He was led out of the room and you could hear him trying to explain to Alice why Maria should have gone with Fernando.

Emmett cleared his throat, "That kid has issues. Well, on the Brightside that went better than last time."

**AN: Heehee. I've always loved Jasper and he's an emotional guy ;) This was just calling to be written.**

**Later,**

**Em**


	3. Peter Zorse alumpf

**AN: Me and Christina were having this convo the other day about Peter's last name. You know Peter from Eclipse, right? The one from the vamp army. Anyway, we were disagreeing about what his last name should be and Christina told me to write this. I needed a new chapter anyways.**

_**Oh, and **_**Mary**_**- I've got something for Carlisle planned next chapter ;) **_

**Chapter 4: Peter Zorse- alumpf**

**Jasper POV:**

"Hey Jaaaaaasper…." My older-looking but way younger brother called as he walked around the corner to my seat at the kitchen table where I was attaching spurs to my boots. **(AN: I live in Texas and I don't even do that. Jasper's old and weird. But he's really hot…)**

I sighed and put down my pliers. Turning to face him, I spoke, "Emmett, what do you want?"

"What was that one guys name from that one place you went to that one time? You know the place near the people with the stuff?" He vaguely made hand gestures to go with his dense description. My face was a mask of confusement towards Emmett's idiocy.

"Emmett. What the hell?"

"You know!!!" He whined. "That guy from your early vampire days back on the range out yonder…" He put his hand over his eyes as if blocking out sun and leaned forward on one foot like he was searching for something. I pushed him and he went toppling over.

He had an angry expression when he looked at me from his position on the floor. "Hey! I don't push _you_ every time _I _have memory loss!" I stifled laughter.

"I'm sorry, Emmett," I said with as much sincerity as I could muster, still holding back laughter. "What were you asking before?"

"Ummm…" he put on a blank stare. Then recognition crossed his face, "oh yeah! There was that one guy from Texas that ran off with the lady and you found them later?"

"Peter?" Oh, I get it now. "Why would you ask about Peter and Charlotte?" This was odd…

"Well I wanted to know what his last name was. I'm guessing… Zorse- alumpf." _Wow_, how _bright_ is this guy?

"Emmett, his last name was Jennings."

"NO!!" He protested. "His last name is Zorse- alumpf!"

"Emmett. _Seriously_. You never even met him. His last name is Jennings. And where did Zorse- alumpf come from?" Emmett has lost his mind.

"Of course he has!! But it isn't _lost_; it ran away 30 years ago from the pressure!" Edward called from upstairs in response to my thought. I snickered.

"_Well,_" Emmett sighed dramatically, oh brother. "Zorse is a cross between a zebra and a horse originating from those animal crackers that you can never tell what they really are. It is also in reference to a _liger_, a lion and tiger." I'd never heard him sound so intelligent but still so dim-witted in all my 166 years of living.

"The hyphen is just there," he went on.

"There's a hyphen in the name? Why?" I interrupted.

He let out a sigh of frustration and started tapping his foot. "Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. Yes, it's just there because. The 'alumpf' is there cause I once saw an elephant at the zoo and his name was Peter. _And_, there's an elephant in the Pooh bear movie: Heffalump or something like that."

"Whatever!" I shook my head. "His name is Jennings."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is-!"

"Boys!" Esme yelled, walking into the kitchen. "Enough! I was in the middle of picking the perfect color of beige for our powder room! You disrupted me!" I looked around.

"Ummm… Esme… The whole house is beige," Except for the chairs, which were in a pristine condition white. "Why don't you pick red of green or… light blue?" My adoptive mother gasped in horror.

"I say green!" Bella called from upstairs. "Just like the color of Edward's eyes…" she trailed off in a daze.

"Not beige?!?!" Esme dragged the attention back to herself. "But it's my theme, can't you see? Nothing else will match!"

"Erm, yeah…" This was getting uncomfortable; I'd have to ask Carlisle to talk to her about this.

"Ohh!! I have an idea!" Rose walked in through the large, open kitchen window. She sounded excited, which was odd for her, "We should make wallpaper out of pictures of me! Who's with me?!?" I get it; she's thrilled for her _brilliant_ plan.

Esme and Emmett waved their hands up in the air in agreement. I was in shock but put my foot down.

"No."

Emmett groaned, "First Mr. Zorse- alumpf and now this? Way to be a spoil sport, Jazz."

"His name is not Peter Zorse-alumpf!"

**AN: Esme and Rosalie were a bit OOC but the chapter would be too short if I didn't add them in. Carlisle will be next!! With Michael Newton! Ha, hilarious. Hope you liked it, it was a bit off topic and pointless but my stories always are! **

PLEASE REVIEW

**Love,**

**Em**


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